Movie quotes

"The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun."

These are mostly movie quotes, but there are some quotes from TV shows, as well. I've tried to avoid quotes that require explanation, but there are some that slipped through the cracks (the Worf-Alexander conversation over there in "S," well, you just had to see the episode). They're mostly funny ones, but there's a few more serious ones. Many movies deserve to have their entire script in here, but I've imposed a limit of no more than three from any given source. Enjoy! And please, if you notice an error, please let me know (email address can be found in the Personal section). In the years since IMDB started allowing people to submit quotes, it's gotten harder to find the original wording if you don't own a movie.

"Caution: some quotes contain language." Snicker.

Note : Quotes with their source marked with an * come from something that has been (probably clumsily) translated from Japanese.

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Talented Mr. Ripley

Dickie

Now you'll find out why Ms. Sherwood shows up for breakfast, Tom. It's not love, it's my coffee machine.

Tarzan

Tantor

Are you sure this water's sanitary? It looks questionable to me.

Tantor

I've had it with you and your emotional constipation!

That 70's Show

Red

Bad things happen to you because you're a dumb-ass.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

Cosmetics Saleslady

We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?

Abby

My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?

Abby

If I was a guy, I think women would like, line up to go out with me. I'm smart. I have a good sense of humor. I make a great living.

Noelle

I'd fuck you.

Abby

Thank you, honey. I know you would.

Noelle

What's wrong, Abby?

Abby

Nothing that a rooftop and an AK-47 won't take care of.

Thelma and Louise

J.D.

Well, I've always believed that if done properly, armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.

They Live

NADA

I have come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubble gum.

Thirteenth Warrior

Ahmed

Have we anything resembling a plan?

Herger the Joyous

Mm-hm. Ride till we find them... and kill them all.

This is Spinal Tap

Marty

Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?

Nigel

... These go to eleven.

Thomas Crown Affair

Detective McCann

Are you okay?

Catherine

Yeah.

Detective McCann

I was okay once. I found out my wife was cheating on me. I beat a suspect unconscious, fucked five women in three days, and drove my car the wrong way on an off-ramp. But I was okay.

Three Kings

Archie Gates

No unnecessary shots, Conrad, 'cause we know what they do.

Conrad Vig

Make infected pockets full of bile, sir.

Archie Gates

That's right, Conrad, that's what they do.

Time Bandits

Evil Genius

When I have the map, I will be free, and the world will be different, because I have understanding.

Robert

Understanding of what, master?

Evil Genius

Digital watches. And soon I will have understanding of videocassette recorders and car telephones. And when I have understanding of them, I shall have understanding of computers. And when I have understanding of computers, I shall be the Supreme Being! God isn't interested in technology. He knows nothing of the potential of the microchip or the silicon revolution. Look how he spends his time: forty-three species of parrots! Nipples for men!

Robert

Slugs.

Evil Genius

Slugs! He created slugs! They can't hear, they can't speak, they can't operate machinery. If I were creating the world, I wouldn't mess about with butterflies and daffodils. I would've started with lasers, eight o'clock, day one.

Wally

Do you mean you knew what was happening to us all the time?

Supreme Being

Well, of course. I am the Supreme Being. I'm not entirely dim.

Titan A.E.

Akima

So what are you going to call it?

Cale

I think I'll call it ... Bob.

Akima

You can't call a planet "BOB"!

Cale

So now you're the boss now, huh. You're the King of Bob.

Akima

Can't we just call it "Earth"??

Cale

No one said you have to live on Bob.

Tombstone

Doc Holliday

Why, Kate... you're not wearing a bustle. How lewd.

Doc Holliday

I'm your huckleberry.

Doc Holliday

It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Tomorrow Never Dies

Q

Your new telephone. Talk here... listen here.

James Bond

So that's what I've been doing wrong all these years.

James Bond

It won't look like a suicide if you shoot me from over there.

Dr. Kaufman

I am a professor of forensic medicine. Believe me, Mr. Bond, I could shoot you from Stuttgart and still create the proper effect.

Toy Story

Buzz Lightyear

You are a sad, strange, little man. You have my pity. Farewell.

Buzz Lightyear

Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is "space ranger."

Woody

The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there's preschool toys present.

Toys

Patrick

I can't even eat. The food keeps touching. I like military plates; I'm a military man, I want a military meal. I want my string beans to be quarantined! I like a little fortress around my mashed potatoes so the meatloaf doesn't invade my mashed potatoes and cause mixing in my plate! I HATE IT when food touches! I'm a military man, you understand that? And don't let your food touch either, please?

Alastia

Well, red usually means "caution." Or "beef" if it's a bouillon cube.

Trainspotting

Mother Superior

Would sir care for a starter of some garlic bread perhaps?

Rent-Boy

No, thank you. I will proceed directly to the IV of hard drugs, please.

Rent-Boy

Well, he's always been lacking in moral fiber.

Swanney

He knows a lot about Sean Connery.

Rent-Boy

That's hardly a substitute.

Twelve Monkeys

L.J. Washington

I don't really come from outer space.

Twister

Cow.


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