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On productivity: What is it about getting something done that just feels so good? Homework is an easy one to answer... "because it's over with." But other things aren't as easy. Sometimes, you didn't really have to do something, there wasn't much of a rush to do it, but you do it anyway (examples: club mailings, cleaning your room), and you just feel... well, great after doing it.

And (sigh) now to the homework thing that I should have done instead of the other stuff....


Guh. I'm tired. If I didn't have to get up in 8 hours, I might have written something... instead, I think, well, that I'll go to bed. I put myself on a waiting list for a Mercer single today... I've come to terms with the fact that Melissa will drive me nuts eventually. Too bad Mercer singles are in short supply....


Today, as I walked home from the chemistry lab, I lifted my hand to my mouth to nibble upon a fingernail, and it smelled like, well, chem lab. I hadn't noticed before that chem lab had its own scent. It's not unpleasant, and in fact is kind of nicely nostalgic in a way. I'm not sure exactly what the smell is; it's sort of an acetone mixed with a touch of metal, but there's more components to it than that.

Oh, and I have a job interview tomorrow. I don't mind saying that I'm scared absolutely shitless. Perhaps Richard will sniff at me if I get the job, saying "if you have to work at the U, C&C is better than UWired," and sure, it wouldn't pay much, and sure, it's not a "real" computer job, and I'd have to deal with a bunch of idiots in the computer labs, but for Christ's sake... leave me alone. If I get it, it'd be my first job. Let me soak in it a little before telling me how much it sucks.

I hate it when my choices get criticized.


Hehe... I was just reading a letter I once sent to Brian, and I actually said this: "... diddlysquat problemo... " (laughing) That's a good one... I need to remember it! And woah, I just noticed some dried blood on my keyboard. I wonder how it got there.


Some hours ago, I had a great idea of what I was going to write. That, however, was a couple hours ago, and I don't remember any of it. Oh well.... School when I wake up!!!!



I remember the color of the carpet, I remember the sounds of people coming in the front door almost directly below, and I remember the taste of sweetened tea. I remember sneaking in at some silly hour of the morning, I remember rubbing tense shoulders during a 3 am reformat, and I remember evenings spent reading on a bed with too many blankets.

And I become depressed.


I've been helping out down at Mercer. I got mocked by my coordinators for helping out excessively. Whee. My roommmate moved in, and she's nice, if something of a computerphobe. I have to go down to Mercer today, and rattle around it, because it's empty no matter how full, without one person there.


I sincerely hope that the next time I move in at 8:30 am, I remember that there may be someone sleeping next door, and choose not to blast rap music whilst I arrange my stuff.


Okay, it's official, a digital camera is the damn coolest thing I've ever seen. I just had to play with it... so here's the result: The Funky Thing. Things to remember include milk, something to keep sugar in, a thing I could puncture holes in cans with, that if I'm wanting half the tea I should half both the water and the amount of tea, and that pouring sugar out of a box, no matter how carefully, just doesn't work. Ahhhh... it's nice to be out on my own again.


I'm moving into my dorm as I type... well, okay, I'm sort of taking a break. The priority list for set up went like this: computer, stereo, phone (I got to call Brian in Japan... that kicked ass!!). The rest of the stuff can wait a while. (hah) This new phone Dad gave me is awesome. It's some 150$ phone that he bought with intent to have in our house, but Mom didn't like it, so I get it. It's so cool... I can walk most of the way down the hall before it gets even the slightest bit staticky (which is an interesting way to spell that word). It's like another birthday gift!


From Critical Miss: "We're a society of western decadence founded by Puritans." (hehe) And one of my favorite NPC interactions, courtesy Seth: "Higgins, you made me do this," as the cop speaking sprays the other with Mace. Oh, and Thacker... check this.


Daikiraina koto: Being condescended to. I'm not an idiot, and 9 times out of 10, I actually have something relevant to say. Being accused of something I haven't done. This used to happen to me all the time as a child. I'd continuously get away with all sorts of naughty things, and then my parents would suddenly accuse me of stealing money or something... the one time I didn't do it. I'd rather be caught and punished and hated for something I've done than the same for something I haven't done. That's like insult on top of injury, and it upsets me like nothing else. I'm not the best person in the world... I've done my share of bad things. I wish to god I'd get caught at more of them. The story of my life is being disliked for something I haven't done. Just once, JUST ONCE I would prefer to be disliked for something evil I INTENTIONALLY SET OUT TO DO.

Sukina mono: Martinelli's Sparkling Cider... especially when I randomly decide to open a bottle at 2:30 and drink the whole thing by myself. Yum.


Ahh. A mint mocha and some grated cheddar cheese. Whatta breakfast. On drinking: I have never been drunk, and while I will admit I'm very curious as to what it would be like, I'm very scared of it, so I think I'll just hold off, thank you very much.


I met The Man. For those who don't know wtf I'm talking about... I have just this to say: Sometimes, I wish that in chemistry, we hadn't covered the fact that the active ingredient in peppers (and therefore hot-sauce) results in a chemical burn. A small amount is actually slightly addictive (which is why it's hard to stop eating spicy salsa), but large amounts... eek. Throat, I'm sorry. But it was good (just not to think about).


I truly learned to love carpooling today. Passing miles and miles of traffic crawling along I405 N gave me a great feeling of power. Especially when I finally needed to move over to exit the freeway, and everyone moved out of my way. Now if I could just tap into that happiness now, I'd be all good. Because it's way too fucking cold out, and walking home (even if it was only a couple blocks) without a jacket put me in a grouchy mood.


I vegetated today. It was wonderful... played video games, watched music videos, experienced barely a handful of thoughts. I have a hard time doing that by myself, so thank you, Seth, for giving me an excuse to do it. The only downside, though, is that after hours of vegging with a friend, I became very depressed when I left. I manage to forget how lonely I am sometimes (which is a strange thing to say). When I'm around my friends, I can put to the back of my mind that sometimes I need someone to talk to about things other than video games... Which I love talking about, don't get me wrong... I just, well, I miss having a girl friend to spill myself to.

Heh... Jen's fatal weakness.

And for anyone who wonders what I do late at night.... Let your wondering cease...


I spent a lot of money today. It's a little depressing. But at least I can think about the fact that I got some money for my birthday, so that'll soak up most of my expenses. I'm just frightened, because my money transfer has inexplicably not arrived, even though it was due the 1st. I need to call the woman who's managing my account at Merrill Lynch, but then my other fear, that of actually speaking to someone "in charge," kicks in. It's a silly fear, but I'm not the most rational of beings all the time. I wonder sometimes where the love, desire, hunger to see one's own name in print comes from. It's as if we need some sort of tangible proof that other people validate our existence...


I went shopping today. Richard and I wandered through Northgate and I actually bought clothes. Nice ones. I walked past a blackberry colored shirt more than a few times. I fingered it lightly once. It's made of some soft cross between cashmere and terrycloth. I walked past it again. And then I actually bought it. Something... pretty. Something... girlish.

All in all, a strange day.


Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear me... aw, screw it. Here's some pictures of my brother than I just scanned: Bryce

"Didja get me a present?" She teases, smiling mischievously.
He slouches, embarrassed and fidgety. "I forgot, sorry."
"That's okay," she shrugs, "but do you think I could... have a hug?" And for a moment the guard in front of her eyes drops, and he sees the hurt and loneliness and the pain and vulnerability, and he opens his mouth to reply.

Don't ask where that came from... it sprang into my mind while driving home on N405 with the sun in my eyes. I don't even know who "he" and "she" are. I know she has grey eyes, though.


Well. I was going to go biking with my father today... I was already down the hill on 125th, picking blackberries, waiting for him (he'd gone back to get his helmet), when I heard him tease "I saw that" as I popped a berry into my mouth. I turned to look at him and had a split second of comprehension before he hit the gravel. Dad sprained his right hand pretty badly a month or two ago, and never went to the doctor about it. I'm convinced that it never healed correctly. I saw him start to put on the brakes with his right hand, then reflexively grip hard with his left as his right failed to respond properly. I watched, frozen, as his bike bucked up from the back, and he went tumbling head first, hitting a ledge at the edge of the road, and ended up on his back in the grass and gravel at the side, with his bike on top of him. He's alright, albeit with some scrapes and a bad blood blister forming on one finger, but it scared me to death. He seems so fragile lately; he still can out run me easily, but his hearing is going, he bruises if you sneeze on him, the medication he's on has him shaking slightly, and he's almost always depressed. I don't know what to do; I don't want to be worrying about my father...

Isn't he supposed to be the one worrying about me?


How interesting. I experienced the "wake up in the morning feeling as if I've slept only a minute" phenomenon today. Um. It sucks. I feel like I got more sleep in my 20 minutes of hitting the snooze button than in my seven hours of actually being asleep. I renewed my driver's license today, and I look like a goon in my picture. Kevin's is more sleep-deprived looking, I must admit. There were thirteen people shoved in Jase and Seth's apt. tonight... I'm just glad that Kevin and Eric aren't too bony. And mannnnn... I'm feeling the lack of sleep now. Should I work for UWired? It'd be interesting computer and person experience. And Kurtis thinks I should work for his mom at Fin & Feather... eek. My friends are so eager to have me get a job. It makes me feel as if I must seem even more pathetic than I realized. Poor jobless Jen.


As my birthday gets nearer, it doesn't seem very real. It seems that is was really recently I had my last birthday. Anyway. Birthdays haven't really mattered to me since I turned 16 and could get my drivers license. I don't vote, don't care to drink (and if I really wanted to, it wouldn't matter how old I was), so what does any age really mean, other than losing the 1 in front? On another note, Soul Caliber is fun, and Sonic for the Dreamcast kicks ass. I really want to play it instead of just watching Seth and Jase play. I love the music, and if anyone A) knows where to get it and B) who does the Japanese voice for Sonic, I would love them for forever (or for as long as I remember). It was fun to have Sonic in Japanese with English subtitles... as Jason said, it was like "playing an anime!" It made me long for the time when the TV downstairs didn't have a couch in front of it, and Bryce still had a Sega Genesis, and we'd bicker over who got to be Sonic and who got stuck playing Tails.


This month, I've had some of the worst allergies in a long time. I've also had some of the most vivid dreams. And every time I have one of those vivid dreams, I wake up with a nose completely stuffed up. I'm starting to think it has to do with lack of oxygen to the brain. MMMMM.... mac 'n cheese with salsa and cayenne pepper stirred in. Delish. ARGH. My favorite of my two Stabbing Westward t-shirts has disappeared and I have no idea where it is... I just ransacked both my clothes and my brother's. I have this dreadful feeling it's in Poland or Colorado or the dorms or Whidbey Island or something. And I'm about to have a hissy fit about it, because I can't remember when I last wore it, and it means a lot to me. gawdfuckingdamnit.


I watched Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels tonight... MAN that is a funny movie. I loved it. OH!!! I bought some DICE today. I don't think I've ever seen anyone get as happy about dice as I do. I got pretty speckly blue and purple and green and black ones. And the bloody little buggers costed me 7.60$ for the 10 of them. But it's okay... other girls buy jewelry and makeup. Me, I buy dice.


If I'd written this earlier, I might have written something amusing. However, I've somehow managed to depress myself in the last couple hours, so I guess I won't. I want school to start back up to give me something to structure my life around. Having too much free time simply leaves the mind with the idleness to fret, worrying at the threads that keep oneself together.

Sometimes, people should have gone to bed at a reasonable time.


Yesterday, I made a character for Mage. Today, I made a character for Changeling. In a month or so, I'll be making an AD&D character. And I'm still, for some reason, looking for an L5R character. I'm going to need a serious lot more time than I think I have this coming year... but hopefully it'll keep me busy. And OMG homemade blackberry frozen yogurt is good... gawdDAMN my mother kicks ass.


Throught most of my life, I have severely underappreciated the wonders of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It goes to show that in college, you truly do learn what is important in life. Oh, and because I like Userfriendly (and went on a binge today to make up for my last month and a half of absence from reading...): July 31st, 1999


Betrayed, betrayed, yet again. Why, WHY WHY WHY are you so irresponsible? I don't understand, I'll never understand. I will never ever how people can be so inconsiderate to others. But I suppose I do it myself, and perhaps that's the answer right there... are we all to blame for that which we did not intend to do? Sometimes we try to make it right, and sometimes, it's 7:15 pm when it's 3:15 am, almost 6 hours later. I think the thing I like best about Niko is that I know that she not only wants, but values my attention. She makes me feel loved in every twist about my ankles, every mrowl on my lap, every purr by my legs in the dark of the night. Thank god for pets.


I saw the Sixth Sense again tonight. It was fun to watch the second time and pick up on all the clues. It was almost scarier to watch it and know that second now, that part is going to make me jump... the anticipation was wrenching in some spots. I don't generally have a problem with scary movies (though I have always, and will always, absolutely refuse to watch Jaws or any spawn thereof), so it was an interesting experience to actually feel like yelping a couple times. But what I thought was funny was that the theater didn't turn the lights off all the way. It was like watching a movie with a nightlight on; it kind of smoothed it down.


I need to flip the rest of this to a "August" page, but I'll do it tomorrow. Because I need to go to bed because we're L-E-A-V-I-N-G tomorrow!!!! I wish I knew how to get Silly String residue off the surface of a photograph.