(warning: particularly old content) I don't ask for it to make sense RSS feed


You know, up until about 20 minutes ago, I thought that today was the 29th again. Just thought I'd tell someone that. College has been one weirdness after another. Lon, Josh, Quake, Krista, Brian, Jeremy the right-wing Christian computer guy, my brother with a girlfriend???? KAM?? Rose of Versailles with Phil over the summer, the other Jeremy, Wade, Japanese???? Epiotis, definitely, yet a third Jeremy, failing classes for the first time, Roland and Jason and Seth and my dad, friends of my own? Losing them stays the same... including the reasons.


Well, thankfully, it looks like dropping that class won't affect me too much in the long run; even with wanting the Japanese minor. Because I'm tired of looking it up, here's my degrees' requirements and how far I am into them. Joy and rapture. 6C00F2 gives a pretty neat color. 630325 and 051C5F do too. See? See? See? Well, okay, so maybe those didn't show up the best on a black background, but who knows, maybe someday another page besides that degree one of mine will have a different color background than black.


When was it in my life when I became a chicken person? I remember when I was little, I would always get beef in my enchiladas, and the meat in my curry was always from a cow. I still love steak, and burgers (the bigger the better), but at some point in the last couple years, I began opting for chicken as my meat of choice in most meals. *munch* How was that for random? I want control back. What am I to do without it? It's what I deserve, I suppose. Whirlwind, and why?


I'm trying to decide if I should drop my Chem 242 class. Increasingly, I'm thinking that I should. I hate it that I should. It's such... an admission of failure. Of worthlessness. Of "I suck." Well, I am going to drop it. I'm very unhappy about that, but I think it'll help my general stress level. Hopefully. On the up side, my 242 professor told me that he'd help me with some kanji, which is pretty damn cool. Be happy, someone... Jen has gotten her comeuppance. Not being in control is terrifying.


My roommate's printer hates me.


I thought it was over. I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER. Why do people feel that they have to hurt other people in return for pain? I don't understand. I just don't understand. You know, there's a game, that when the main boss beats you, a quote from him flashes across the screen. "You're just a pathetic piece of carbon-based wastage." I'm going to go get some coffee and feel miserable. And wtf does "orthorhombic deliquescent" mean, anyway?


There are a million things I should be doing right now. Studying for my chem test on Monday (I'm starting to think about using my one drop to drop that class; my heart isn't in it), or getting ahead on studying for the one in my other chem class that's on Wednesday, or studying for Japanese quiz, since I missed quiz section on Friday... Or perhaps I should clean my room, or work on analyzing my IR spectra. Or go outside; it's an awfully pretty day (I got sunburnt again). Instead I'm sitting here and listening to B'z music. You know at one point I thought I really didn't like Japanese pop music? I think that if the me from a year, two years, three years ago saw me now, I'd be very very surprised. It's strange how things turn out how you never ever expected them to. And in good ways. And others, in bad. Waiting... it's the killer.


Hrm,I pretty much forgot to write anything yesterday. And only I know why. Don't secrets suck? I was sick today, annoyingly so. I had to miss my chem lab AGAIN this week; that's six hours of lab that I have to make up next week. Bleh. Plus I got sunburned when I was at my house and... and... nothing. My unknown in chemistry smells exactly like a brown Mr. Sketch marker.


Well, I technically wrote some of that "today," does that count?


Jen's thought for the day: falling asleep with big headphones on leads to neck cramps in the morning. Pensive... what does that word mean? I wonder that a little, seeing as if I were asked what I felt like right now, I'd say "pensive." Yet when I call upon myself to clearly define that state, I find myself picking through my mental thesaurus, coming up with many a synonym and little definition. Sad, melancholy, wistful, withdrawn - all play into the feel of "pensive," yet none totally capture it for me. I was sick today; missed all of my classes and sat at home doing my homework for most of the afternoon. Then as the night wore on, I got hit with... pensiveness. Nothing to place my finger on, nothing so much to blame that I'd want to mention.

Just pensive.


I'm tired. All in a good cause, I suppose. Where someone got the idea that I would be a good person to ask for love advice, I really don't know. But I hope I helped... Not like I could. I've got to be the most pathetic person on the planet, or at least I feel so at this moment in time. You know, I wonder sometimes who it is that ever reads anything on my webpage. I know Darrick does, because he was worried about some of the stuff that I'd written. But who else even cares? Reminds me though that perhaps I can't write everything in my head down here. Depressing, that. I'll probably continue to babble, though. There's something intensely gratifying about being able to look at a collection of symbols stored on a machine and knowing that it's MY WORDS and that I put them there and there they will stay. I sometimes wonder where my desire to write went. I used to write stories... long ones. I just don't have the drive any more.


Well, how does this look? You'd almost think that there was absolutely nothing here, and that's probably how it'll look for darker browsers. I feel all super secret now. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, well, that's what I want. We'll see how it looks once you get a bunch of text in here. ANYWAY. What the hell is this? As the header says, I'm going to play around with a semi-daily ramble. Some days it may be no more than a sentence, some days I might have multiple rants. Who knows. This is partially a test of my dedication. Can Jen really do this? It can be a running experiment to see how many days I can get. I'll probably get away with it for a while by putting something down like "I didn't want to write anything today," but I suspect eventually even that shall fade. Hrm. I just decided not to do something I was going to do with this page. Oh well. Ooo, that looks neat for me. Other people should use as high screen resolution as I do. I need to come up with more random words and names. Or something meaningful to put there. What does failure feel like? Failure feels like getting handed a test that you thought you did well on and seeing a glaring 58 on it and staring. Watching the page as if it were about to move, waiting for the numbers to writhe and re-form into the score that you feel that you should have received. Failure feels like dazedly getting up right at the beginning of lecture, picking up your belongings, and walking out into the rain and the cold. It's not panic, or horror at your score. It's shock, resignation, numbness.

It's horrible.