(warning: particularly old content) I don't ask for it to make sense RSS feed


Drr... At home again tonight; wasn't expecting to be. Not much happened this weekend, and I'm whacked, so erm, thaz it.


Well, I missed a day, and what a day to miss. I do a daily ramble for exactly a month, and then miss a day. Go figure. I got kind of busy yesterday, though, at home. So that's my defense. I went to see Guys and Dolls at the 5th Ave Theater downtown last night; I love that silly musical. I got all dressed up. I was "beautiful," or so I was told. On a different note, I've decided that this insecurity thing is incredibly unpleasant. And I just realized that I can't add... I was on campus for 12 hours, not 10, on the 26th. Even worse.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! We ran out of time in my Japanese class, so we didn't have to do our skit today after all! *laughing* We get to wait until next Wednesday! Yatta!!! I sucked it up on the Physics test, but well, I just don't care right now. Because there were strawberry smoothies downstairs, damnit. And I've got a Nylons song in my head... ARRRRGGHHH WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SONGS IN MY HEAD THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER HAVE CONVERTED TO MP3!!!!


My computer can eat shit and die. There's absolutely no reason why a voodoo card should fuck up my tv card. But noooooooo. My computer has to go and be a bitch.


Because I know that someone out there gives a flip about my day, I was at school for far too long today. Went to my first class at 10:30... ended my second at 12:20. Went to go work on on Japanese skit in the quad for an hour and a half. Went to get food at the HUB, stopped in at the ADP office till 3, when I went to get an iced mocha and go to physics lab. That took until 5:30 even though it shouldn't have. So then I sat out on the Physics lawn and worked on skit stuff in the sun until 6:45, at which point my poor sucker ass went to my 7:00-8:20 pm class. And then, guess what? I got to go work on skit with my partners until, well, about now. Which means about 10:30. I was on campus for nearly ten hours. Kill me.


I almost forgot to write something today, but I didn't, haha. I have a Voodoo 2 now. It screwed up my video drivers for a while, but I got it working (yay). Now I need to put something on my computer which would use it. Like... Tribes. I played that for the first time today. The disc launcher is just, well, too cool.


I have a headache. It was too hot again today. I was thinking something very profound earlier, but it appears to have vanished from my mind, more's the pity. Brian wanted me to mention him in my ramble today, but I can't think of anything but, well, the fact that my head hurts. I'm going out jogging... it's finally cooled down a little. Oh yeah... I remember now what I was going to say earlier. I saw a Stabbing Westward video today (for Save Yourself), and realized that I haven't been listening to them much lately. It's mostly Japanese pop these days; B'z cds borrowed from the other Brian... all happy and bouncy and stuff. And then I realized that even though I don't feel as if life is better, I seem to be in a "better" mood a lot more of the time.

But it sucks, because the clock is ticking.

You know, Brendan Fraser is really cute, if not in a conventional sense. Chris Hall, Keanu Reeves, and Freddie Prinze Jr. all get a good vote too.


It's too hot to write anything today. Brain... not... working...


Well, DM killed the party today. Well, ok, so my character committed suicide... but that was only because everyone else was already dead. Long story, and honestly I don't really mind that much. Seth, ya shouldn't have attacked them, ya loveable oaf you. In other news... Have you ever noticed that when you most need a hug also tends to be when you most need it to be given without your asking? As if the having to ask ruins the feeling; at that point the other person must obviously only be doing it because you asked, not because they noticed you needed a hug. Such is the way of things, and don't it suck... for inevitably, you are the only one that can truly know exactly when you need a hug.

And only you can prevent forest fires.


We start with the kittens... and move our way up.


I got fan mail today. Dave, you're too cool. Does anyone know about that India thing? I feel like putting up a page dedicated to countries who drive on the WRONG side of the road. Also, I really want to find all the L5R clan seals... Does anyone who read this have them or know where to find them? I think I'm going to totally revamp my RPG page. Because, well... it sucks. And I wasn't totally creative with my Laeren name. How utterly disappointing. Look at the most recent addition to the watermark. Goddamn I'm in a good mood today for some reason. I think it was because I got a NINETY SIX on my chem exam and I saw Star Wars last night. Or perhaps endorphins kicking in from going jogging today and it was actually SUNNY! Oh, and "laeren" must mean something in German, b/c whenever I do a search for it on any search engine, it gives me a bunch of German pages. Plus a page on Belgian surnames. Go figure.

*gasp* *gasp*

Okay. That's enough of that. I'd forgotten that Jen wasn't ever supposed to be happy. Please don't kill me. We now return to our former programming....


I get to see Star Wars tonight! That should be fun. Ethan is going to be there. That should be... interesting. Oh well... it's Star Wars! Has anyone but me ever wondered what the fuck happens on the borders of India? India's like the only continental country that drives on the left. Do all the roads suddenly flip? England, Japan, Australia, etc., don't have that problem. So, should I take a 4 credit Art History class on the history of the Japanese tea ceremony this fall? Or perhaps go ahead and do Japanese 343? It's 5 credits and looks like more work than I want. So.... I think I'll slack for that quarter. It should be offered again that next Autumn... I can always move Psych 305 to next spring. In fact, I think I'll do exactly that. Yay! Absolutely no Chem classes that quarter! NEAT!


I got up really early today to register. Turns out for two out of three classes it wasn't necessary to do so; there's still spaces in them now. But for the important one, it mattered... my chem 312 class was full by 8 am, and it's ONLY offered autumn. That would have sucked had I missed it. My cat slept with me last night; that's definitely an aspect of home I miss. Mom gave me a ride to school today and we talked a little about Bryce. He's not coming to the UW next year; probably going to do a couple years of a community college. Mom asked me if it was alright with me if he stayed at home for a year or two. As if I had any say in it. I don't think Bryce should get booted out the way I was. He needs kicks in the pants for different reasons (like to get motivated to actually finish school and go to college). Being independent isn't really one of them. I mean, hey, he's gotten himself jobs! Yesh, my little brother makes me feel defective. Oh well... I love him to bits anyway. What is it about a sleeping face that makes a person feel so protective?


Welp, I think I did *okay* on my Chemistry test. Hopefully better than okay. Going home b/c I register tonight. I hope someone helps Jitsuko.


Drrr I had something written, something about The Mummy. But it got erased somehow. How annoying.


きのうのばん、 ブライアンのお父さんを会った。 お父さんは、私が好きだとおもって。. ANYWAY.

On feelings: Why is it that I have friends who I refuse to see, yet I still care for them? I mean, isn't it kind of a refutation of the definition of a friend if I won't talk to them or hang out with them? I don't understand how I can be such a hypocrite as to believe, utterly, that I still care about someone, yet be too scared to actually face them. It makes absolutely no sense. Take Angela, for example, since I'm fairly certain that neither she nor any friends of hers will ever read this... I still love her dearly. She could come to my door and ask me to do anything, and I'd do anything in my power to help her out. I'd thought this for a long time; it was reinforced when I saw her at WotC some months ago. I had this upwelling surge of all the former emotion I felt for her. But at the same time, I was terrified; terrified that she'd hurt me again. So I left, quickly. I didn't trust myself to be around her. I don't understand it. Isn't part of being someone's friend trusting them? And I'd even say I trust her except in that I don't trust her not to hurt me anymore. Which is ridiculous! I wish I could totally put aside all emotion for her and say "I don't care for her at all anymore, she isn't my friend, and I can live fine without her." But instead barely a day goes by that I don't miss one of my best friends from high school. I can't watch X-Files without gritting my teeth, remembering late nights spent drinking milk and eating Mystic Mints, laughing at ourselves for drooling over David Duchovny, clenching hands at scary parts, and singing the Sailor Moon theme song at 4 am. I miss her so much... and I have so many "friends" that lie in the same sort of situation as her, for whatever reason it is. It's not that I don't care about them, or love them, it's that I'm scared to death of them and what they could possibly do to me. I'm sorry that I can't trust them. I hate myself for not trusting them. I want to try to excuse myself and say "I've just been hurt too much," or "it's their own fault," or something... but I can't. It's just me being a fucked up individual who plays around with other people's emotions without being aware of it, and then goes and sticks her head in the sand trying to pretend nothing ever happened....

I hope I drown in this sand someday.

Memories: Cloudy night. Clean-cut, handsome, young man. Glasses glinting slightly in the light from the lamps on the walkway. Hair newly clipped short on the sides and spiky on top from recent washing. Wearing a letterman's jacket and at the wheel of a black Camero. Twin brother in the backseat, giggling and joking. Leaning out the window with a dazzling grin and beckoning to a girl to get in the car. Sigh... What's happened to me in life?




Goddamn I HATE being a girl. When I get my period I become the moodiest fucking bitch it's ever been anyone's misfortune to encounter.


*crying* What the hell is happening to me?


I kicked some serious ass on that midterm. Was done in 20 min and took 5 minutes to check my answers... in and out in 30 min. Musings on previous relationships: I've never really dated someone who someone else was interested in. I often wonder what my reaction would be to a situation like that. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I do worry a lot, and I tend to take a very pessimistic view. I know with Gabe (the closest to that situation that I've ever been in), his ex truly loved him, and really needed him. I just kind of bowed out. I tend to do that; I give up rather than confront things. Stick my head in the sand and wish it would all go away...................


No ramble tonight. I have a Japanese midterm tomorrow that I forgot about until about... now.


I actually cooked tonight. My dad supervised, but I did most of it. Truly amazing. Mashed potatoes, steak, biscuts and strawberry shortcake. IMAGINE THAT. Me in the fucking kitchen. And it actually ended up tasting good, too. I had a massage this morning and a nap this afternoon... all in all, I had an astonishingly good day. So fucking there.


HAHA! I almost forgot to write something today. And I still don't know what to say. So INSTEAD.... けんたとジツコ、本当にありがとう!!!!! 料理するのが上手だ!!!! I had a good time last night... I got quite upset on the bus on the way home, but I was just being... well, dumb. *shrug* I shall keep telling myself that my suspicions are false. They were a little drunk, anyway, right? Right. That's all it was and it doesn't matter anyway. I roleplayed for a very long time today. AD&D and L5R... the people I play AD&D with are nuts. They play in the morning. WHOEVER THE FUCK HEARD OF ROLEPLAYING DURING THE MORNING???? And because I have to leave at 2:15 or so to make it to my other game, they're thinking about starting earlier. I already get up at 8:fucking30 on a Saturday fucking morning... 7:30???? Even roleplaying isn't worth that. Especially if it's another day like today, when only two of us spoke Elvish, and the other one who didn't was enough of a jerk to insert himself into the action anyway. I had a pretty good time playing L5R, though. Liuko was such a serious character... Jitsuko's pretty different, especially with Christi's character being a young girl too, and with three and a half cups of coffee in me. Ziiiiinnnnnngggggg!


Well, I was going to go jogging this afternoon, but as Seattle has seen fit to shit upon my plans and rain, I don't think I will. When I was more in the habit of running, I'd go rain or shine, but well, I haven't been in a while and I'd prefer at least a DECENT day to start back up; don't want to have all sorts of negative connotations to it. SO, instead, I think I'm going to test my kanji abilities and see if I can write a ramble in Japanese using every kanji I know. Whee ha. Look for it to be posted... well, when I'm done with it. My sunburn really itches today, by the way. And I wish I had some dredge of humor in my brain. Well, I got bored of doing that Japanese thing, but it did occupy me for about three hours before I got too frustrated with my having to speak in baby talk. I want to be fluent. NOW. It's disgustingly short, because I had to look up a lot of stuff and spend far too long figuring out how to get around the fact that they haven't taught us how to say a lot of stuff, but oh well. A ramble in Japanese. Now I think I'm going to go work on some roleplaying thing. Yay.


Today's bit of initial randomness: A grotesque parody of Waking Up Beside You. "I've been staying inside for so long/I forgot how much it hurts to be so sunburnt...." ITAI ITAI ITAI ITAI!!! And for those of you who are not Japanese literate or couldn't guess what that meant, it means OW MY ARM FUCKING HURTS. Well... sort of. Anyway, I'm going to go study for my Physics midterm, which hopefully I won't fail. In case anyone cares, here is why life sucks currently. May 7: Phys exam. May 11: Japanese exam. May 12: Japanese oral exam. May 17: Chem 239 exam. May 28: Japanese skit and Phys exam. June 7: Japanese, Phys, AND Chem finals. Yay.


Earlier today, I kind of wanted to write something about being considered a slut. And then I thought I wanted to write something on the Japanese verb amaeru, and then I thought I might write something about Quake. So instead of making up my mind, I'll simply ramble. BTW, these stupid "Link" magazines that get stuffed in the dorm mailboxes are really badly written, and quite rude. Anyway, I think I'll do a little discussion of amaeru. It's a verb that's very difficult to translate. I've heard it translated as "depend on" and "act like a baby." I've seen dictionaries translate it as "fawn on" and "behave like a spoiled child." Amai, the adjective form, gets translated as "sweet," "indulgent," "sentimental." I read a book written on this word a couple days ago. The author of Anatomy of Dependence asserted that amaeruing was presuming on a close relationship with another in the form of acting childishly in order to get attention. Simple, right? Then why isn't there a simple English word to cover this behavior? According to the book, actually, Japanese is the only language to actually have a word for it. おもしろい、ね? I thought so. I think that I must have a personality, or be subject to behavior patterns, that makes it easy for people to amaeru to me. I suppose that's egotistical for me to say about myself. And I don't know if I'd rather be a different way; I enjoy helping others... I just get tired. 本当、ごめん。Oh, and I found out that if I want to get a 3.0 in my Chem 239 class, I have to get like 268/300 points left in the class. Fuck. Oh, and I got a sunburn today. Double fuck. On those who are blind to the situation around them: get a clue. Do other people a favor, and have some respect. Not that I'm irritated at the world right now or anything.

Never that.


Well... wow. After the flood of messages, e-mails, and hugs that I received yesterday, I'm... well, I'm overwhelmed. I had absolutely no idea that A) so many people looked at this site and B) that so many people gave a shit about me. Thank you, for reminding me that no matter what I think of me, no matter what some people think of me, there's also people out there who think better. Jason, Kevin, Jason, Brian, Darrick, and Gabe, especially to you guys, mina arigato.


"and for fuck's sake, you're a SLUT, not a WHORE. WHORES charge money. there are no delusions about what a WHORE does. a WHORE gets paid MONEY to have SEX. it is PREARRANGED. i wish you would stop DEGRADING prostitutes everywhere by COUNTING yourself AMONG THEM. I can't believe YOU. you say how much you HATE YOURSELF and HATE HOW YOU ARE AND YOU EVER FUCKING CHANGE you told ME that you would TRY to be a decent fucking human being; now i SEE what you were saying that you had to AVOID. you are such an IDIOT, you can have everything you WANT but you constantly FUCK IT UP because you are SELFISH and you TAKE ADVANTAGE of people when you NEED something then LEAVE THEM TO DIE - fucking STOP DOING THAT to people"

I hope it pisses you off, Scott that I put this up; either that or it pleases you. *shrug* I think you're right. We both know what I think of myself; thank you for putting it so much better than I could myself. Okay, I have it clear what your opinion of my life is... LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE. Every day, now, I'll read what you say about me. Enjoy. Life sucks.


I highly suspect that I'm going to get caught up in other stuff tonight, so here's my token something for the night. And stuff.