Anguish. Last transfer of possessions that had to happen in person, and I'm sobbing my eyes out in the dark, fumbling for keys to bring the last meager belongings that he had with him into my temporary home. "I'm not sure what to say... but..." I said, my voice trembling, "If you stop being angry... lemme know, okay?" He stood a mere two feet away on what used to be our lawn, hands on hips, and nodded, expressionless. "Okay," he said evenly, and then he turned and walked away from me without a backward glance.
I know it's my fault, all of it... but that doesn't make it hurt any less.
I'm in an odd mood. I've been completely Japan-obsessed all day, for one (I finally got the last of my pictures from Japan sorted out, notably getting the Kobe, Nikko, and Osaka galleries pulled out of the great morass, and am currently watching Japanese TV I taped last year), I'm exhausted but refuse to go to sleep, for two, and I'm suffering the ill effects of two full days of intense mood-swinging, for three. Boo. On pretty much everything except for the fire that has kept me all cozy warm for the last couple hours.
I rather feel like I'm going to need more hours than there are in the day over the next indeterminate time period.
I'm so greedy. (rubbing eyes) At 1:56 am, all I really want in the world is to be able to A) set the Party Shuffle source on Takako to be Atsuko's library, B) rate songs easily from Takako that are on Atsuko, and C) have been asleep about an hour ago, at least. Sadly, I think it's impossible to do any of those. So half-measures are us on the music front (most irritating part about that being that I either am hobbled by listening to a network library, or copy files into Takako's libraries and lose my ratings? Boo), and I suppose I'll have to be satisfied with sleeping as soon from now as I can. Like.. now.
Even though I feel like if I just searched a bit more, I could find some nice way to share out Atsuko's lib on the network in such a way that Takako could actually control it... but no! Must! Go! To! Bed!
The dangers of being an obsessive-compulsive N-E-R-D. I'm like... I totally think that this is going to help me do what I want. But here I am, too tired to really parse it out, and too wired to go to sleep while the problem is still nagging me! ARGH.
oHO! (running into other room to try something)
Never mind, I give up. I think I should be able to set Takako's library to be something other than it is by default. Like, to a network resource. But I think I'm gonna have to (yawn) track that or whether (yawn) linky above is the (yawn) way to go (yawn) down (YAWN) later.
With the sleepytimes.
My interview with JET will be on Monday, February 14th.
One hurdle down.
(delighted) I got given an adorable little demento-kitty as a cheer-up gift tonight. My day may have been sucky, but my evening was lovely and Aggie is now secreted on the shelf right behind my pillow to frighten away the bad dreams... or at least to entice the lunatic ones in. One or the other. Whatever. I'm happy.
My homework for TC 498 this week is to play Rise of Nations. Oh, the horrors of being in this particular class. We MUD and we MOO and we play CounterStrike and Rise of Nations. Next week is Zoo Tycoon. Studenting is hard!
But I don't wanna talk about my games class, because all it does is remind me of Jim. Sigh.
I got iTunes on Takako talking to a listening script here on zoggins today, but the work was largely wasted, as Patrick and I spent some time tonight hooking up my stereo and speakers. I don't want to sit close enough to the system to hook Takako up, and so Suzuran's on the floor quite a ways away, making me happy with Paul Simon. Happiness with the music, unhappiness in that I can't change the song without getting up and the whole thing about not being able to use my evening's code work. Ah well.
I have been untalky, for lots of reasons... several times I've had things to say and it just didn't feel right to write it all down. Need the time and all that jazz.
I'm settling in here at Patrick's place well enough; I finally got some things unpacked in the office and have music to update onto Suzuran, I fall asleep nights and figured out the central heating system, I have stuff of my own in the fridge and my DVD player hooked up to my TV. Patrick and I don't overlap much, which is pretty much the story of my roommate life... I'm the amazing disappearing roommate!
But no matter any of that... I had Thai food tonight and got to see House of Flying Daggers. I'm a lucky girl.
Today: good, productive... and I watched anime. I'd almost forgotten how much I liked doing that. Who knew?
(running around madly) Woooooo!!! A paper my research group wrote has gotten accepted for publication in an actual journal! We've published in a few conference proceedings already (one where I was lead author, too, which was pretty sweet), but this time we went through a full refereeing process and everything. I'm only third author (which was cooler when there were only three authors, before we revised and added two authors in the process), but still!
I walked twenty-two blocks home tonight. It was that special time, right around midnight, when there is nearly no one driving; everyone who needed to be home by midnight has already gotten there and everyone who has decided they don't need to be home by midnight won't leave wherever they are for at least an hour or so yet. Rain was pooled in the gutters and the streets glistened and shone in the lamplight, but the air was dry and almost warm. A breeze blew my hair back a bit and I realized I was walking as I've not walked for a long time. I walked fiercely, back straight and chin up, step firm and eyes hard. Music flowed out my headphones and over my body and trailed out into the night, two parts atmospheric game music to one part pounding club track, and I felt her blazing out, armored wings extended and flung back slightly in the wind, daring the world to fuck with me. And it felt good.
I am omg tired. Still waiting for brain to process enough so that I can write (anything, including homework). It may yet take several days.
But in the meantime, some thanks...
To all of my friends, but to Brandon, Kelly, Craig, Patrick, Jeff, Brian, and Rob, in particular: for talking, and movie watching, and Indian food eating, and couch and room lending, and move helping, and CD burning, and beer drinking, and all manner of other things extremely important for my mental health right now. Many hugs and much appreciation.
What to say? Poor, broken-up, living out of boxes, all sorts of head-addled. I really shouldn't have been driving tonight... my concentration and ability to field scan have been obviously impaired. But for all that, I feel... liberated, I guess. I'm trying to focus really hard on pulling myself out of the nasty hole I've wallowed in for the last week and a half. I will go to class all this week and I will do my homework and I will get shit done at work. I will roleplay tomorrow night and make dinner on Wednesday night with Brandon and go to my certificate course on Thursday night.
I feel as if I should cue Aretha now.
Why, pray tell, did I not write anything for oso many days? Well, let's see. Friday, I'm not sure I have much of an excuse. But Saturday, lordie, Saturday. Part Two of The Talk has been had. And I felt (feel) like just so much shit. All Saturday was spent in mental glueing. I'm not falling apart, although I am mildly obsessed with the topic. I'm in that "great" stage where everything, and I mean everything is a reminder. If past experience holds, this stage will last at least five months.
In spectacular depressive form, I slept through the entire day today. There were alarms set, oh yes, and there were times when I opened my eyes, oh yes... but I still couldn't will myself out of bed to face my day until it had already mostly passed. How ridiculous.
Deep breathing in preparation for my night of (hopefully) writing. The last days have been both horrible and grand at the same time and I don't know if I'll be able to be productive at all with my head where it is. Brandon just left after accompanying me for an hour of pasta and cookies and keeping me on an even emotional keel, and so I should be okay... but I just don't feel like I am. I've avoided freaking the fuck out very stringently, so stringently that I'm worried that I've just locked everything up in an unescaping miasmic swirl of crap in my head. It pecks at my consciousness unceasingly, slithering out of my reach whenever I even try to turn to face it, and so things go on with the relentless being "mostly okay" but also being completely unproductive and spacy. There's one thing in my life right now that's making me happy and feeling like I'm not withering away soul and mind, but it sure isn't helping the productivity issue.
Oh, hell, what am I going to do?!
This is so not working. I suppose it's nice to finally have something of a cry after being dry-eyed and emotionally cut off from things for the last week or so, but I just can't handle it right now. Jan and Carolyn have been emailed about the paper that there's no way in hell I'll be able get anything done on tonight (I think I'll be lucky if I can get anything done on it at all), and Kelly has been appealed to to come running to stifle my tears. Gods, I feel so very useless and pathetic. I hate these moods, the ones where I instinctively want to just curl away and cry on the floor and let the world pass me by and I know they're not healthy and I won't have it, I won't. And so I may not be able to write tonight but I won't crumble, damnit, not until it's my choice to do so.
How convenient at times like this, the mental wards against crying in front of people. Stuff the internal pain back into its hole, concentrate on the person external to me and the relationship that exists between our physical presences and *poof* no more crying, just like that.
But why oh why couldn't she get here sooner than 10:15?
Doh, tht.rss was foo'ed again. Ah well. I am doing better now, despite being up very late (it's after 3 am, gawd) and being tired. I have a security blanket to curl up with and my teddy bear to clutch (I feel fucking eight) and I think I'll be able to sleep... which I would not have been able to say, five hours ago. The wonders of a couple beers, John Cusack, and a friend are not to be taken lightly.
Well, now, if nothing else, I know that if I need to move, I can totally do it in two days flat. I suppose the kitchen is still remaining, but hopefully that won't take me much time on Tuesday. Let's just ignore the havoc that I have wreaked on my schedule this week. Or my life.
Yeah, not doing so hot.
Tonight was Affirm Our Love For Kelly Night. Hugs, friends, tissues, silly movie, pizza, burning, comedy, and alcohol were all had (thought not in that order nor in equal proportions) and lo, things were about as well as could be expected.
And full of love for Kelly.
Feeling more than a little wild-eyed. Packing up my books and all I can think is "what the hell am I doing?!?" Lars and Liam wind around my ankles, wondering what all the fuss is about, and the golden apple Mom gave me winks in the light.
Futon and desk and assorted boxes of "stuff" moved over into Patrick's. Not sleeping there yet (because omg will I freak out the firstnight I do), but should be starting tomorrow. Blah blah blah on everything.
(irritation) To forestall any more phone calls, IMs, or emails: yes, I'm moving out of my place due to relationship issues with Jim, and no, I am NOT moving in with Patrick in any sort of romantic sense. Sheesh. He saw a friend in need and stepped up to the plate admirably, so will people stop reading their own goddamn motivations and drama into things?
(screaming at world)
Oh, fuck it all to hell.
T-plus about 24 hours. The moving out conversation has been had and agreement has been reached on the moving out point. I slept on Brandon's couch last night. Looks like I'll be moving in with Patrick. And yeah. That's the Status of Things, such as they are.
T-minus less than 24 hours. My head is going to explode, and I'm predictably in the waffling stage where I think I'm making a huge mistake. Sigh. I suppose that's why I've been telling my friends right and left... but not here, yet, no, no. Not quite to that point. Brain melting into my ears and isn't it all so hilariously awful?
T-minus about 48 hours.
Pictures are up. I tried to cull them to the ones that I like, but I'll try to cull them further and provide some direct links later, for people who don't want to skim through them all. For now, I'm very fond of these two:
Glad to be home (dry air was killing me), but sad to leave the ranch... sigh.