This whole having a boyfriend thing is seriously cutting in to the writing of /tht/. Not that it's a bad thing at all... (happy mooning about).
Today, for the first time, someone other than me suggested that maybe I'm not cut out for my job. The thought was not uttered in malice, but oh is it a dangerous one. I survive from day to day by refusing deep belief in such ideas, by convincing myself that such thoughts are the product of my depression, not actual and true. To have them voiced by another gives them external credence.
I feel as if I'm in an uneasy truce with my life at the moment. On the one hand there's some things that are making me ridiculously happy (like Jeff, or hanging out with Mike), and on the same hand there's the fact that work has been reasonably good lately... and on the other there's... nothing. A vast suspicious nothing, looming in the most menacing way possible.
I'm trying to enjoy the good days while they're here, but I find myself stressing and worrying about all the bad stuff that could start happening any minute. It seems that I've gotten out of the habit, if I ever was in it, of taking what life was giving me and being happy about it... it feels like it's been years since I was comfortable in a state like this.
Incidentally, in retrospect it distinctly weirds me out that I argued against taking a vacation to my manager today. I was arguing in favor of taking more long weekends versus taking a full vacation, but still.
Had my first kitten-outside scare last night. Jeff and I went out with Mike to drink and be big nerds (and man does it make me happy to hang out, drink, and be a big nerd) to ring in Jeff's birthday, and when we came home in the middle of the night, Aggie was nowhere to be found. The monster trio know where they live and how, not to mention when, to get home, so one of them remaining out in the middle of the night was distinctly worrisome. In the morning, as we were heading out to get some breakfast, we heard Aggie's voice crying... from a kennel in front of another person's door. There was a note from a third person, saying, essentially, "is this your cat?" We laughed, penned a "no, she's ours!" addendum to the note, let her out, and went on to enjoy the day... but one of my errands was to finally get the trio collars and id.
It's funny. Once upon a time, I would never have dreamed of letting my cats outside without id (Aggie, Micah, and Jasper are all chipped). But Jim didn't like to have collars on Lars and Liam, and after a year or so of arguing about it, I finally gave up. Somewhere along the four or so years following, I seem to have shifted my attitude in line with his, with the result that it never really occurred to me until today to collar the menagerie. Bad cat mom me! Nicely, collars these days are nicer than they once were, and the trio are now all sporting sleek black breakaway ones that seem to bother them not a whit. And that takes care of that.
The book collection has been updated! It now includes every book that I own barring the ones I've bought recently that are on the shelf in the front of the house. Reading over it is reinforcing how much of a dork I am.
And now... out to drink Jeff into being 25!
So incredibly exhausted. Got up at 6:30 after about 5 hours of sleep, then was at work for around 12 hours. I feel very like I did for so many years during finals time: totally wrung out afterwards, yet filled with a sense of accomplishment.
I watched a master at work today. He came in on request in something which is technically not his area, corralled all the major stakeholders in a couple batches, negotiated agreement on the single most important point, and ensured that all involved either had everything they needed to know or knew to go find it out. I was lost in something of a helpless awe as I sat (admittedly part of the meeting only by courtesy and accident despite it affecting rather heavily) and listened. As nearly every single point was uttered, I realized that I knew it or could have guessed it... but I would not have been able to come up with it on demand, nor synthesize it with everything else into a whole, nor explain it so clearly. That's where I want to be in four years.
Exactly as I said in my interview.
I'm slightly ambivalent on the graphic, but as I told Kelly: (yawn) no more Photoshop tonight. And hey, there's my book collection! How neat. It's missing books I've bought recently and have not yet filed, my nerd books (of both the computer and the roleplaying sort), pre-2002 texbooks (all still in my room at my parents' place), and the last remnants of my childhood collection (ditto).
There's 387 of them.
Which, coincidentally, is very near the number of dice I own (384).
And as long as I'm being all full of pictures, might as well throw in the one of Aggie up by the ceiling that I took about 10 minutes ago. Because... well, it's cute.
Alright, alright... I'll finally take a crack at doing actual DB stuff on zoggins instead of running everything off of crazy text file arrays. As much fun as it's been for the last many years, it's really just time to say that if there's gonna be one non-homebrew thing on the site, it'll be MySQL. This action does open up a can of worms; I'm starting it because my book collection really wants me to do so, but soon enough the L5R reference will start whining and crying because it wants a database too, WAAAHHHH and then I'll have to touch that part of the site again. The thought gives me the complete willies.
Tonight, Jeff and I made tagine for dinner. I've never made anything even remotely African before, so it was all sorts of an adventure. A delicious adventure, involving everything from cinnamon and honey to lemon and chickpeas.
Now, if only I could get over my irrational fear of non-non-stick cookware, we'd be getting somewhere.
Also went out to see Inside Man, which managed to do the hitherto inconceivable: something about the way the opening sequence was shot actually made me want to go to New York City. Usually when I see New York on screen I just find myself inordinately pleased to not live there; this time around, I found myself thinking "man... I'd sure like to visit again."
Perhaps something to do with upcoming vacation?
Haiku is way hard
How many syllables here?
Shee-eesh, do I suck
An adventurer is me, after a two year hiatus. Kingdom of Loathing has expanded in humorality since the summer of 2004! Lo, I am amused.
Yesterday was awesome and then it wasn't. Today wasn't awesome and then it was. Go fig!
Well, unlike last time, I've been unable to get a decently focused photo, which only serves to remind me that I want a new camera... but I think this one at least makes the color scheme of the latest outing with Carina clear: pink on deep purple!
I've become way too enamored of having little paste jewelry bits on my toes. It's a little freaky.
There is a tie for my favorite line of the morning:
Jeff (to me):
"I like how a 100% accurate gauge of whether you drank the night before is whether you get up before 2 pm on your own."
Mike (text message):
"And where the fuck did this traffic cone come from?"
The latter certainly has a bit more panache, but the former does intensely amuse me, because it's so true.
Well, Thursday got the prize for actually not entirely sucking, as the rest of the week pretty much did (with the exception of the space of time encompassing four beers on Wednesday, which was quite nice). I'm feeling much more balanced; early this week I was off my frigging rocker with depression. Unfun. Dunno what started it, even... but somewhere around 10 am on Monday morning, it was as if the reins slipped right out of my hands and took me days to recover.
Things I want to do in the next few days: build. See if Carina will get her toes painted with me. Go to the top of the Space Needle. Play board games with my mother and have it not suck. Watch TV with Jeff. Not necessarily in that order.
Those would all be good things.
When not otherwise distracted tonight, and often when so: heavy, comforting weight. Cool metallic taste, a noise. No more.
Perhaps not so morbid a day in months.
(awe) I actually directly contributed to the product today, even if it was test content. I can't quite frigging believe it.
In other news, I spent all day watching Return of the King special features with Jeff, and that makes me happier than I could have possibly imagined myself being.
Friday night was spent with House, West Wing and beer, Saturday with errands and Six Feet Under. Television really has gotten good in the last several years... now that I'm able to avoid all the dross between Tivo and Netflix.
Of course, now I'm going to have the Six Feet Under theme stuck in my head for the next two weeks.