(warning: particularly old content) I don't ask for it to make sense RSS feed


I think that it's possible, just barely possible, that I may have finally found an alarm clock that I'll like. I have been searching for an alarm clock for almost exactly two years, ever since I left my old one in Japan when I returned (long story as to why; suffice to say that I've regreted the decision for two years now). I'd used my old clock for somewhere around twelve years, and it turns out that picking out a new one was unexpectedly difficult. I hadn't realized that my requirements and sense of style were so far out of step with the mainstream! Simple requirements such as a large display (for I am blind), an easy-to-hit snooze button that does not run the risk of being mistaken by touch for something that would reset the alarm, and not turning off automatically after I hit the snooze button a certain number of times seemingly never came together in one package. Until, just perhaps, today. I have high hopes for this alarm clock, hopes which will hopefully not be dashed tomorrow morning.

Just in general, however, my sense of style and my requirements for an object are apparently out of touch with what appears in stores. It's happened all throughout my life... it took me a year of not infrequent looking, for example, five years ago, to finally find a small stereo I liked. I'm still trying to find shelves that are what I want for my living room and have been for around eight months. I spent all day, today, looking for what I thought would be easy to find: a small, plain, black handbag with a long strap. I found exactly none that I liked, and perhaps only four that even fit that basic description. I'm surprised each time it happens; why can't more people like simple, unadorned things? I can inevitably find what I want... for about a million dollars. Maybe I need to develop some more low-class tastes. Cultivate an appreciation for bling.

And in closing, I decided tonight that, uncharacteristically, I feel meme-ish. And so I hereby take on the one that Kelly posted, minus one (she knows which!):

Last Live Music Show Seen: Flogging Molly
Last CD Purchased: The Black Keys: Big Come Up (Christmas gift for my mother)
Last Thing Cooked: Ghetto burritos
Last New Thing Eaten: Spanakopitas with tzatziki sauce
Last Thing Bought: A loaf of fresh French bread and some sparkling cider
Last Gift Received: Christmas presents, of which the last that I opened was The Fool's wonderful Thinkgeek gift of a "geek" badgeholder and a "-1 STR / +1 CHA" shirt (my brother rules)
Last Piece of Clothing Bought or Received as a Gift: A pair of sweatpants
Last Totally New Experience: Breaking up with someone I wasn't even dating
Last Embarrassing Experience: Telling Jeff about breaking up with someone I wasn't even dating
Last Foreign Country Visited, if any: Canada
Last Person Talked To: Not counting cashiers, Peter at work yesterday
Last Person Touched: Craig (I think I must have touched him last night... if not, then I have to go back to Jeff, on Thursday night, which is a bit depressing)
Last Big Achievement: One-two punch of finishing graduate school and getting hired on full time at Microsoft

And the last thing I did this year? Post this entry.



I spent a good bit tonight experimenting with eye makeup... that shit is hard. See, I managed to get into adulthood never once having even played around with makeup. It turns out that I was right all along: putting it on IS a mystic voodoo rite that apparently involves sacrificing chickens or something.

Motivation utterly failed me at work today. I finished up a couple outstanding items, but the hoped-for burst of energy to start rolling on things that need to get started just didn't materialize. I ended up bailing at four to go hang out with Craig, have dinner, drink a couple beers, and watch Saint Ralph (cute, if largely badly acted save for Campell Scott) and Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within (wayyyy better than I thought it would be). Of course, because I'd left work so early, even with all that I was home by 10. Somewhat of a whoops, really.



Working at home with the comforts of a bathrobe and cats. Yay. I will take this moment, as my files continue to copy between work networks, to clear up something...

It has come to my attention in the last few days that several people have no earthly idea that Craig and I broke up. Two of those people get most of their random information about me from /tht/; another two (overlapping by one with the previous two) were quite discomfitted by the fact that they didn't know and mentioned him to me in some context or another. Well, to assuage uncertainty, I hereby commit to /tht/ that yes, we broke up, back in late September. I still hang out with him often and we're on good terms. Happy unconfusioning.



Good day at work; got lots of stuff done even with an hour and a half lunch. I hauled Jeff to my parents' for dinner and a movie, leaving my car at work... and then realized, quite late tonight, that I don't have the one dollar bills necessary to make the bus in the morning. Work from home on the morrow it is! Hopefully I'll get another good amount of stuff done despite being completely fucking wide awake at 1:45 am for no apparent reason. Gar.

I've been amused by The Stranger's online personals lately. I got a link to a funny one a couple weeks back, and have trawled them in boredom intermittently ever since. I even made one... not because I actually wanted to have it up there, but because I wanted to see the superset of questions that were available to be answered (I did get a ping today, from a LARPer; is he not aware that there is a vast social scale of geeks, upon which he is so much beneath me as to be laughable? BWAHAHHAHAHAHA). Curiousity killed the cat, I suppose, as their entertainment value is now seriously lowered. In the last few days of wandering, I've come to realize how much the whole personal ad thing really does unnerve me. The idea that people can be reduced to a series of statistics, no matter how amusing a light those statistics may be framed in, much less the idea that people should "choose you" or "not choose you" based on those statistics, frankly distresses me. For all that so many of my relationships, friends and more, have sprung up online over the years, they still developed in what I consider organic, natural ways... not out of pragmatic scans of cold lists of attributes.

And thus did the entertainment die.



It's nearly 2 pm (although by the time I actually post this, more like 3:30), I basically just got up, and I have no idea what I want to do today. I could clean my house, I suppose, watch TV, or read a book (although I did leave my current novel at my parents' place by accident). Interesting to me to finally come to terms with how much I really do not want to watch a movie. I realized last night that I really, absolutely, and completely despise watching movies by myself. Hate it, hate it, hate it. For a long time, I'd thought that I only felt that way about seeing movies in the theater, that my reluctance around recorded media was, each time, a coincidence. But no; it really is systematic. The distaste seems to come from having completely slotted movie-watching into the "social activity" category. When I watch a movie, even one I've seen before, I want to be able to talk about it afterwards, to quote funny lines, to discuss controversial points, to nitpick special or technical effects. If I can't do that, I find that I really just don't want to watch the movie. I trained myself to watch movies by myself when I was isolated in Japan, but it was a reluctant act, and one that I abandoned the moment I was back in the States. The issue arises because my brother, as is his wont, gave me a few DVDs for Christmas. I'm thrilled to have them (even though one he gave me was Secretary; he hasn't seen it and I think I'm more than a little, hell, more than a lot, uncomfortable with my little brother being the agent of that one belonging to me), but I am also sad. There is no one to watch them with; when I unwrapped Saved!, both Bryce and his girlfriend mentioned they hadn't seen it and wanted to, but when I offered to watch it with them that day, they shook their heads, saying they had other plans to attend to before family dinner that evening. My immediate disappointment was a shock to me, hot and sharp. It was colored by the unexpected knowledge that I'd be stuck at my parents' by myself most of the day, to be sure, but for once that was not the largest issue at hand. At hand was that I'd been given presents that I suddenly realized that I'd wasn't going to enjoy for possibly a long long time. Sigh.



I drove tonight. Not very far; only about as far north as Marysville, followed by a twisting, back-road route back south. As a result, I'm quite sleepy: I was at Brandon K's until after midnight, having fled familial insanity around 8 pm, and didn't make it back in the door here until near 2 am. I feel better for the drive, to be sure... I was able to let all my awful violent thoughts bleed out into the rain and the asphalt. Although I still have an incredible urge to shake, to slap, to rake fingernails cruelly, I don't feel as if I'd actually do any of it anymore. Distressing, however, was the thought, as I came off the freeway heading south, that I just don't know if I'll be able to take another bit of bad news. Every new bit slams harder, and I find myself struggling more to regain my balance each time. I'd take something good happening any time now, thank you.



Funny, how I don't consider myself to have much of a sweet tooth, or a hankering for desserts, yet within an hour of being at my parents', I find myself beelining for something, anything, sweet. Bleh. I am fully willing to admit that I'm extra snappy at my dad this year, but really, even factoring that out of the occasion, the fact remains that I'm ensconced in what is ritually the most uncomfortable, depressing, and generally awful pair of days the whole year round. Yay. And this year, my mom is crazy for Christmas!



Last night, I developed a wretched headache. It was enough to make me gulp some painkillers and go to bed early... and then it was enough to wake me up around 4 am, knuckles digging into my temples. It subsided for part of the day, only to resurface within thirty minutes of being around my parents outside the numbing environment of the movie theater. My asthma wheeze is in full bloom, and I'm coughing up a storm. One might think I'm tense.



A few days ago, a friend of mine told me: "Man, if I'd been feeling like you write that you feel, I would have offed myself long ago!" I'm sure he meant it in the best way possible. A mood that started with a sniffle during Brokeback Mountain has stayed rainy as the weather all afternoon. After two or three bursts of crying in the car, I detoured to get some caffeine and read the paper... stabilization through routine. I wanted to get a pomegranate, but the parking situation at Fred Meyer's was hellish enough to make me glad that I had beer at home. So here I sit, dark mood and all, drinking beer with my three cats. I'm obviously descending into madness.

I can look at the table and smile, though; Jeff and I had Christmas this morning, and I have a white shirt laying on the table that will be hung in my office next week. It features an angry Vaarsuvius (from The Order of the Stick, a grand comic if you are a complete geek such as me), magical fire billowing from his hands, and the text:

I am capable of rearranging the fundamental building blocks of the universe in under six seconds with enough time left over to move 30 feet. I am capable of manipulating matter and energy on a subatomic level by speaking. A mere flick of my finger is sufficient to alter the gravitational pull of the planet. I shelve physics texts under "Fiction" in my personal library! I consider the Laws of Thermodynamics loose guidelines at best! In short, I am grasping the reigns (sic) of the universe's carriage, and every monring I wake up, look to the heavens, and shout, "Giddy up, boy!" You may never grasp the complexities of what I do, but at least have the courtesy to feign something other than slack-jawed oblivion in my presence. I, sir, am a wizard, and I break more natural laws before breakfast than of which you are even aware!

(snicker) He said he hopes that people at work will read it and accord me the respect I deserve.



If I'm going to be a workaholic, at least I can be comforted by the fact that the gym is relatively quiet at the end of my hours. Got a nice 25 minute swim in and only thought I'd fall down on the first step back up the stairs. Improvement!

The kittens ran in and out of the apartment for a half hour or so today; my brilliant plan to introduce them to the outside while the weather is crap is working. They complained when I shut the door, but only Micah was actually still out in the wet when I did so. I do wish that I had a way for them to go in and out that didn't rely on me opening the door for them; I'd not realized how much I depended on having a window open at Jim's for Lars and Liam for so long. The idea of shutting the poor kids outside unexpectedly bugs me.

An upturn on the work social scene balanced out me completely freaking out at a new thing I need to do that I don't know how to do. Almost. I think I'm gonna really need that exercise thing to keep me from asploding mentally over the next few months as the shit starts flying.



The last of my shopping was completed today; I have one present yet to finalize, but it's to be an intangible gift, so there's no particular hurry. All in all, it was a day of getting things done. Hanging out with Mama for an episode of Firefly and seeing Brandon K for dinner and dessert was quite nice. Now? Reading and firelight. Attempting to continue feeling okay. Go go go go...



Zoggins and LJ have been slow to talk to each other lately; I wonder what gives?

I'm typing in a very uncomfortable position so that Micah will be comfortable enough not to move from his extremely adorable position. He's been upping the ante on a near day-by-day basis lately; how can I shove him away when he's got an arm flung over my chest as he rests his head on the pillow, forehead pressed into my cheek? Have I mentioned the purring? My poor lungs.

I braved the Pro Club today, and went swimming for a bit after work. I'm so out of shape it's miserable; I did a bare fifteen or twenty minutes and worried when I got out that I wouldn't be able to stand. Pathetic, but what you get when you're not naturally athletic and you've not done much physical for a long while. I'm going to try to stop and swim, even if only for a short while, on my way home any night I'm not expected back at a certain time. We'll see how that goes...



The only reason I got out of bed before one today was because Jeff called to have me move my car. That marked the only time I left the house today other than to go grocery shopping; I watched L&O all day, ensconced on my couch, with cyclical feline company. Jeff being home for twenty minutes meant that I had some actual verbal communication with a human for some amount of time; I got to chat with several people online as well. I did the cat box, vacuumed about half the house... made a good dinner and cookies. All in all, a successful Sunday. Thank goodness.



I was going to go wrap myself in sunshine and Broadway this afternoon, but traffic convinced me otherwise. So a gas fire and kittens shall substitute for Broadway, and I'll bask in the last bit of sunshine of the day on my own couch. With a delicious Wassail, heh.

Feeling extremely mopey today; it's really only the sunshine keeping me on anything resembling an even keel.

There was a fairy ring around the moon as I drove home from the movie tonight. King Kong was good; my main comment is that if they'd reserved slow motion just for the final falling scene, it would have been much better. And shorter. Hah!

Cried on the way home for no other reason than The Box was on C89 and I'm depressed. Completely retarded. Sigh.



Every so often lately, I have been letting the kittens out for a bit when I come home. It's part of a plan to eventually have them comfortable with going in and out... and have me comfortable with it as well, heh. They ran amok and had a grand old time, even including a meet-up with Foster, the (dun dun DUN) cat at the other end of the building (there was hissing, but no major fireworks). I had a good chat with Foster's mom while we watched our respective wards, and only after I came inside did I think to smile that she now knows my trio's names, and I know the name of both of her felines (one of whom wasn't even out and about), but I didn't actually get her own.

I am at this very moment missing a party. Dates had scrambled in my head, and so I was quite convinced that said event was tomorrow night. I was very likely going to skip it tomorrow anyway, but it still somewhat rankles to have the explicit choice not have been made. I could still show up, of course, but given my mood, there's no way in hell I'm driving down to Seattle to not have a particularly awesome time.

For I am gloomy tonight, oh yes. I've been trying to decide when it started, but I'm really not sure. My fate was definitely sealed at around the time that my imagination kicked in and imagined me something I'd have liked to have happen. At that moment, I was screwed, for my imagination excels at imagining bad events that inevitably come to pass and good events that inevitably do not. My daydreaming something that'd make me happy is the most sure fire guarantee that it will not happen. So not too long after that, I turned out my lights and slunk into the night. I had a strong urge to wrap myself in darkness, to drive too fast on roads that I could not see. But instead I stalked the chaos of the mall, using society to brace myself. I feel empty tonight, as if I were constructed of thin paper and cloth, tied and draped around a pathetic structure of twigs. I have no grounding; were someone to blow on me, I'd collapse and fly away on the wind.

I was displeased today to realize that I have a very stubborn sense of pride. It's one that will let me come out on the bottom in all ways, just so long as I do not, in the end, seem to beg or plead or nag. Irritating.



Mixed bag. I was so tired and wrung out by the time I made it home tonight (earlier than normal, which meant I had to deal with traffic) that I wanted to burst into tears. When I thought that I might be pushed into playing a game I don't want to play simply because I hate conflict, the mood was definitely nearing rainy. Work was stressful, less than productive, and demoralizing in more than a few ways. But I got to have pho with Zach, maneuver into Deadlands, and Micah is being extra super cuddly and full of purr.

Here's to hopefully not having freaky creepy upsetting dreams as has been de rigeur the last few nights.



(gloomy) I'm very appreciative of the fact that Jeff and Seth were disposed to come meet me for dinner tonight, but I'm still mopey as all hell today. Knowledge of one's central fallacy doesn't really make one feel any better, I've discovered.



Many things passed today, but most notable was seeing Ryan for Indian food near work and Belgian beer in Cap Hill with him and Craig afterwards. I hadn't seen Ryan since around Craig's b-day last February, and so I was most pleased to match Scrabble wits and generally be a silly dork with him. I also saw EPLT-to-Microsoft conversion folks for lunch, making today semi-official "See People I've Not Seen in Forever" day.

But I didn't get home until right about now (half midnight), and I'm still not feeling fully recovered from my cold, so I think I will declare sleep the better part of valor here.



Today was good during today. But then the night came: I am cranky, out of sorts, and, if it's not redundant, in something of a rotten mood. Something about tonight made it the perfect night to come home to someone; therefore, coming home to no one but the cats is not helping anything.



Much of my Christmas shopping was completed today, earlier than I've started in a while. Pulled Jeff out to the mall in the sun; stalked University Village in the dark with myself and my iPod (my new one... poor Suzuran developed an expensive hardware problem and was out of warranty, so has been replaced with Miei, a sleek black 30 gig model). Jason Y locked himself out of his house this evening and was stranded for several hours, and so we hung out and went to see The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which was both better than and not as good as I had hoped, strangely. A random jumble of a day, really... good thing it was Saturday.



(laughing at self) I am sitting on my couch with a scarf around my neck and a fire going, having mashed potatoes and beer for dinner. At 11:32 pm. Not how I originally envisioned my evening, to be sure. In fact, I had originally had the thought to go out and about... but then I was at work until 10:15 pm. I had no idea it'd gotten that late: I remember 8 pm relatively clearly, and then suddenly Michel was knocking at my door, offering me pizza, and it was 10 pm. It's quite possible that he and I were the only ones left in the building, heh. So I didn't get home until 10:45 or so, by which point I really didn't feel up to thinking about something to wear, or really, thinking about anything at all. And so I careened in the door, threw leftovers in the microwave, and toppled on the couch with a beer. Only to find that my network was dead, but hey, that was a minor diversion.

And it's cold in here, thus the scarf.

Anyway, this be my weekend's beginnings, I suppose. At some point in the next two days, I hope to fix Jan's wireless and clean my house. Maybe go out tomorrow night. Maybe find someone to see "the gay cowboy" movie with. Maybe nothing else at all. Yay weekend.






Wow. Tonight, a boy and I who weren't even dating broke up. Explain that one.

At least Jeff swept me up in a huge hug tonight and told me that not only does he think I'm awesome, he's quite sure that tons of other people do too.



I'm livid tonight, albeit in a muted way, if that's possible (I think I'm too sick to actually be raging).

Scenario: was supposed to go out tonight with people from work. At 6:10, heard people from work leaving through the door right near my office. Pinged people from work, asking what was up. At 6:27, recieved call from people at work, saying that they saw my IM client had an away up, so they had assumed I'd left. I informed them that I was sitting at work... working. They said "whoops, about to see Harry Potter at 6:30. Uh... see you another night."

Color me extremely irritated.

But I was able to call up Craig and go see HP myself, which was nice (even if it wasn't nearly as good as the third one), and now, having started feeling quite ill at some point this afternoon, I am going to go to goddamn bed.



Two days, *poof* gone. Too much to do, to happen... and I'm too tired.



Jesus fuck am I tired. It's just barely 11 and I don't even quite have the energy to go to bed properly. Improperly it is.