(~April 1999, Sophomore Year)

(Edited very slightly March 2005)

Look what I figured out how to do. And it only took me like four hours of bleeding everyone I knew for HTML tips. Aren't I wonderful.

Sometimes I think that I should just stop eating. But I can't ever stick to it. Isn't that pathetic? I'm goddamn hungry all the time. I'm trying to do my physics homework right now, and all I can think about is chicken strips and phad thai. I hate being afraid to eat. And I hate feeling guilty every time that I put a bite in my mouth.

There's a Stabbing Westward song that starts out like this:

I'm such an asshole
I'm such a stain
I just keep fucking up again and again

I'm sure that many other bands and people have felt that way before, but screw them; it's Chris Hall who crouched in front of me as I was crushed inside a concert pit and sang a bit of a song to me and winked when he got up, so it's Stabbing Westward that I'll damn well use as my examples if I like. Anyway. I feel like that today. This week. This month. This... You can tell where this is going.

What does it matter.

Speaking of other people feeling that way... yes, I'm aware that many people are more depressed than me, that yes, it is all in my head. I mean, fuck, I can't even pull off being depressed that well. I should just give up.

I was going to do some sit-ups when I got home, but my roommate's around. I hate doing that in front of her; she's got military in her family and I'm paranoid that she'd start telling me how wrong I was doing it or something. And why the hell do I bother anyway? I tell myself I do it to lose some weight, but it won't work. Specially if I don't start jogging again. Which I probably won't, with the schedule I've got.

Most people would probably say that there's nothing wrong with my weight. Well, fuck them. They probably have things that they think are wrong with themselves that I don't notice. And I'm a girl anyway; aren't we supposed to obsess about our weight? Or something like that. I hate my body. There's reasons why I wear the clothes I do. A friend of mine told me that he thought that I intentionally wore unattractive clothing to seem more unattractive. You know, even if it were true, which it isn't, that's a hell of a thing to say to someone. "Hi, I think your clothes stink." He meant well, I suppose.

I'm trying to figure out how to make an image center as the background of a page. Why no one has ever made an HTML tag to do it, I don't know. Bunch of jerkoffs. All I want is a way to let the text run over the image, kinda like how an image can center itself on the freaking desktop. Is it really that hard to code something to do that? I mean, something like a BACKGROUNDCENTER=1 or something. Anyway. I lose track of why I started this in the first place. It was to talk about...

Me.

You can't see it, but I even spaced that a couple lines. Because it's so important. Or something. I've been told that I critize myself overly much. I've decided tonight that if there's one thing that I should critize myself for in life, it's for my utter and complete lack of being special. I'm not sure why it's so important to me to be special, but suffice to say that it is.

You know that the first game I remember ever playing is Risk? Good game. For adults. My parents claim that they used to play kiddie games with me, but I don't remember it at all. Not that I doubt that they did. I just wish that I remembered it. Anyway (mark II).

Why the fuck can't I be friends with people? Why does there always have to be "something" or "nothing"? I don't understand it. I went over to a friend's place to watch a movie tonight. I was lonely and upset and barely coherent (as if I am now) and I laughed really hard at The Big Lubowski or however the fuck you spell it. Now I get an ICQ from my friend telling me that he had a good time and it was the closest thing to something date-ish he'd had in a while. Why does it have to be a date? Why can't I just hang out with my friends? Ever?

Because I'm a girl.

Now, you see, if I would have just been born a guy, everything would be fine. I could engage in the activities in life that I enjoy without any of this junk.

I should just shut the fuck up. You and I both know that I lap it up. I mean, what better source of attention do I have than the guys I hang out with? So few girls are in their circles, and those that do aren't always as friendly as me. But what does it matter? For all I know, it's all just an act. I think I'm not doing anything intentionally, but several people have told me that they think I use people. I'm inclined to believe them. Using doesn't have to be on purpose I guess. What I intend or not doesn't matter if I hurt people in the end.

And I seem to be so good at it, too.

There I go again; pretending to myself that I'm something special. Well get this; I'm not. I'm probably writing this right now just because I want someone to read it and go "oh, that's interesting and unusual, she sounds like an odd girl."

But the sad thing is that I'm not. There's many other girls out there that watch anime and play video games and know a hell of a lot more about computers than I do, that obsess over their weight more, are actually depressed instead of just wishing they were, and have had a hell of a lot more shit, and worse, than I have. It's all in my head, as it were.

I've been told that everyone goes through hell like this their sophmore year. Everyone survives it, so people say. I'd just like to register my opinion that I really wish that I hadn't started this kick two years early, and that I'm really tired of it.

I need a break.

For no particular reason, here are the lyrics to three of my favorite Stabbing Westward songs.

Ungod

   You don't understand this, I think you never did
   Silently I search for a reason to exist
   I've found a way to feel you, I feel so fucking old
   You're burning up inside me, but I feel so fucking cold

   You are clutched tight in my fingers
   You caress my skin so light
   You are welling up inside me
   You have finally freed yourself
   You are flowing 'cross my pale skin
   You are running down my arm
   You are salty as I taste you
   I have finally made you warm

   You stare at me so silent, you stare at me so cold
   I think you stare right through me, that stare has
   made me old
   I've found a way to feel you, I feel so fucking cold
   You're burning up inside me, I feel so fucking cold.
 
   You are clutched tight in my fingers
   You caress my skin so light
   You are welling up inside me
   You have finally freed yourself
   You are flowing 'cross my pale skin
   You are running down my arm
   You are salty as I taste you
   I have finally made you warm
 
   Take this...as an offering
   Take this...as a sign
   Take this...as an offering
   How much can you take from?
   How much can you take from me?
 
   I sink into this darkness, I sink into this cold
   This emptiness is calling, I've nothing left to lose
   I've found a way to kill you, I feel so fucking cold
   You're burning up inside me, I feel so fucking old.

   You are clutched tight in my fingers
   You caress my skin so light
   You are welling up inside me
   You have finally freed yourself
   You are flowing 'cross my pale skin
   You are running down my arm
   You are salty as I taste you
   I have finally made you warm

   Take this...as an offering
   Take this...as a sign
   Take this...as an offering
   How much can you take from?
   How much can you take from?
   Take this...as an offering
   Take this...as a sign
   Take this...as an offering
   How much can you take from?
   How much can you take from me?
 

Shame

   I only see myself reflected in your eyes
   So all that I believe I am essentially are lies
   And everything I've hoped to be or ever thought I was
   Died with your belief in me so who the hell am I?
 
   I'm wondering 'round confused
   wondering why I try
   The more that you deny my pain
   The more it intensifies ...
   I need someone to ache for me the way I ache for you ...
   If you ignore that I'm alive
   I've nothing to cling to
 
   I stare into this mirror.
   So tired of this life
   If only you would speak to me or care if
   I'm alive
   Once I swore I would die for you
   But I never meant like this
 
   I don't know if I'm real without you
   What is left of me without you?
   I don't know what's real without you
   How can I exist without you?
 

Waking Up Beside You

   I've been so alone for so long
   forgotten by the world, forgotten to myself
   your effervescent eyes have awakened me
   and brushed the dust away. . .
   but I knew you'd never stay.
   so I memorized the color of your eyes
   as I lost myself inside you.
   I memorized the way our legs entwined
   as I drifted off beside you.
   I miss,
   God I miss waking up beside you....
 
   at night I cling to you I'm so afraid
   afraid the day will come,
   and I'll wake and find you gone.
   but you promise that you'd not abandon me
 
   and kissed my fears away .....
   but I woke up to that day ...
   but I had memorized the way our eyes would meet
   reflected in the bathroom mirror.
   and I memorized your naked silhouette
   as you slowly brushed your hair ....
 
   I miss, God I miss waking up beside you....
 
   I've been so alone for so long...
   I forgot how much it hurts to wake up so alone....
   but I'd memorized how warm your body felt
   as you lay half asleep beside me.
   and I memorized the way the sunlight filled the room
   and played upon your body...
   I miss, God I miss waking up beside you...
 

And that finishes it for the night, because I should have gone to bed a while ago.